I haven't touched this blog in a while and although I know no one reads it, I thought it would be nice to give the world a status update.
While returning from some time of in California I was side swiped and ran off the 8 freeway by a semi truck. I was banged up pretty bad and have been in physical therapy and doctors offices since then. I took very little time off work against doctors orders because i can't afford not to work.
I have been trying to stay in good spirits, however over the past few days the first thing out of peoples mouths when they see me is, "are you alright?" Even from people who don't know about the accident. So i must look like shit. I haven't been able to keep up with my medications because I worry they will impair my ability to work safely. And I am consistantly losing focus because of the pain and addition of these doctors appointments and physical therapy. I want to feel better and stop hurting, but more than anything i just want to be able to put all of this behind me.
I work for a small company and have no health and medical benefits, the property i manage only has four employees so I am needed there. I know I will make it through this, but this whole experience and the accident itself has really made me contemplate life and the direction mine is going in. I could have died that day, and all i can think about is how regretful i would be if i had. All the things i haven't done yet, all the things I could be doing now but still am not. Life is precious, and you may not live to the day you have everything planned for.
I miss training with my group back home in Cali. Sure I am financially more secure here in AZ but i am more and more often noticing how the more financially secure I become, the farther away from happiness and enlightenment i am. There has to be a balance, and right now, i don't have it. A couple years back i was a believer in existentialism, and now I am more of a helpless observer waiting for my moment to escape what my life has become. Wether i stay because i feel i need to fulfill an obligation, or i stay because I fear losing all the material possessions I owe money on like my car, it just isn't right and it just isn't me. Although i know i have done some growing since i came out here, I feel as though i am growing farther away from the person i want to be, and closer to the person I am expected to become in this culture.
Martial arts has taught me that there is a way to succeed and turn around every situation to your advantage, however life is a skilled adversary that outmatches me in wisdom and complexity. I don't know wether to fight or flow in my current situation. what i do know is that right now i feel as though i am a child again flailing in the pool as i learn to swim. And all i can do is try my damndest to keep my head above water.
